Growing up

formative years… August 1961
MY DAD IS OFF TO A FOOTBALL MATCH

I AM TWO WEEKS OVERDUE

HE COMES BACK WHEN HE MEETS HIS CHILDHOOD CHUM NOW DOCTOR COMING THE OTHER WAY
I’M BORN SHORTLY BEFORE KICK-OFF WEIGHING 10lbs 4 Ozs

THE MATCH IS DRAWN 0–0.
HE CAN SEE THE REPLAY

***

MY MUM¹S NAME IS MARY ¬ I CALL HER MUM

MY DAD¹S NAME IS DAD BUT HIS INITIALS ARE P THEN R BUT HE PREFERS ROY

I HAVE A BROTHER KEVIN AND A SISTER BINDA (LYNDA)

THERE‘S BIG GRAN AND LITTLE GRAN

CHIP BROOKFIELD BECOMES MY BEST FRIEND AND ANGELA TRASLER MY GIRLFRIEND

WE ALL LIVE AROUND ‘THE ISLAND’ AT EGERTON ROAD
PLAY EYEACHEE, ROUNDERS, BRITISH BULLDOGS, HIDE & SEEK
ASK GIRLS TO WEAR NO KNICKERS DOING HANDSTANDS WHEN A CAR PASSES
AND EVEN WHEN THEY DON’‘T
WATCH THE TAR BUBBLE IN THE ROAD ON REALLY HOT DAYS
HAVE SNAIL GRAND NATIONALS ACROSS THE ROAD
BESIDE OURSELVES WITH JOY AS CAR TYRES PASS OVER THEM
DARE EACH OTHER TO LICK SQUASHED FROGS COULD BE TOADS OR SOMETHING
PLAY TRUE LOVE dare KISS PROMISE OR OPINION
BUILD TREEHOUSES WITH SECRET TRAPDOORS
GO TO SCHOOL IN BARRY BOWER‘S DAD‘S SIDECAR

EVERY SUMMER WE HAVE AN ADDITIONAL TWO KIDS COME TO US FROM LONDON – FROM THE CHILDREN‘S COUNTRY HOLIDAY HOME. WHICH ISN‘T A HOME AT ALL AS IN A KENNELS, BUT A SCHEME TO GET KIDS INTO THE COUNTRY.

THE BROWNELLS HAVE SOME ALSO – THEY INTRODUCED US TO ‘THE HOME’

WHERE THEY PUT THEM IS A MYSTERY AS THEY‘VE FOUR BOYS AND TWO FOSTER KIDS ALREADY.

AND LOADS OF ODD WELLINGTON BOOTS IN THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS.

A MATCH IN THERE SOMEWHERE FOR ANYONE

‘JOSEPH’ ARRIVES AT THE STATION WITH A VICAR

MUM ASKS HIM WHERE ARE HIS THINGS

HE IS WEARING THEM, FROWNS THE MAN IN BLACK WHO LEAVES US IN THE CAR PARK

WE SPEED HIM HOME IN OUR BLUE CORSAIR

THE CHILDREN ARE MOSTLY FROM THE CHELSEA & BATTERSEA AREA

CHIP PUTS HIS FOOT THROUGH EACH WINDOW OF A DOLL¹S HOUSE ON HIS VERY 1ST DAY AT SCHOOL
HE DID IT IN THE MORNING TOO – I WONDERED WHAT HE WAS SAVING FOR AFTERNOON

PRIMARY SCHOOL IS WESTFIELD AND I AM THE LEADER OF ONE GANG

CHIP IS THE LEADER OF THE OTHER

MINE IS THE CONSIDERATE GROUP, TAKING ON WEEDY KIDS

AND NURSES IN IMAGINARY UNIFORMS NURSING OUR ‘WOUNDED’ BROWS

CHIP‘S TROUPE IS A LITTLE BIT MORE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST
PRONE TO POKING ABOUT WITH STICKS

THERE¹S LOADS OF US AND WE ALL PLAY GAMES

I GET MORE STARS THAN EVERYONE

EXCEPT MY GIRLFRIEND-TO-BE (TELL YOU MORE OF THAT LATER) ANGELA

(DID I TELL YOU YET ABOUT THE RUDIE CLUB?)

WE ARE BOTH PROMOTED A CLASS, SIT AT THE FRONT SO THAT WE CAN ADMIRE OUR ROWS AND ROWS OF GOLD AND SILVER STARS. I FEEL LIKE GIVING AWAY A FEW TO THOSE WHO HAVE ONLY ONE, OR NONE. I KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE. I STARTED WITH ONE.

CHIP AND THE OTHERS ARE A CLASS BEHIND

I AM SENT TO THE BOYSCHOOL

ANGELA STAYS ON
SORRY ANGELA I HAVE TO GO
(SEE YOU IN THE RUDIE CLUB)

THE RUDIE CLUB IS COMING TO AN END AND I REALISE IT WAS TOO RUDE TO RECALL TO COMPLETE STRANGERS.

ASK KAREN GUYMER. SHE UNWITTINGLY MET CHIP AND ME BY THE BIG FALLEN TREE OVER THE BACK.

BUT REMEMBER THE WOODS AND THE STICKS AND STICKING THEM UP EACH OTHER
REMEMBER THE CORNFIELDS AND THE SWAY OF THE CORN AND THE CAMPS WE’D MAKE
WHEN TAKING OFF ALL OUR CLOTHES AND GETTING ITCHY

WHACKY RACES HITS THE TV SCREENS

ON THE LAST DAY EVER AT THIS SCHOOL ANGELA AND ME ARE NECK AND NECK ON OUR SPACEHOPPERS

FURTHER BACK ALONG THE RACETRACK BARRY BOWER (WHO STARTED AS FAVOURITE) IS IN A HEAP

HAVING EATEN THE HANDLES OFF HIS AND BURST IT.

NERVES I THINK.

HE WAS RECENTLY ARRIVED FROM AUSTRALIA – THEY PROBABLY EAT WHOLE SPACEHOPPERS THERE.

HE HAS AN AMAZING PARTY AT HIS HOUSE. EVERYONE CHUCKS JELLY.

CHIP AND I CONTINUE TO THROW IT UNDER THE TABLE LONG AFTER PARENTS ARE CALLED AND CALM IS RESTORED.

WE HAVE ONE ENEMY = BONNY MARTIN

I DRAW MOTOR RACING CARS, CASTLES AND HAPPY FAMILY CARICATURES

I AM GOOD AT DRAWING, MUM LETS ME DRAW EVERYWHERE, GETTING ALL MY PENS OUT

I WEAR A BLUE IS THE COLOUR CHELSEA BOBBLE-HAT IN BED TO BE DIFFERENT

EVERYONE SUPPORTS WATFORD IN YELLOW AND SO DO I REALLY

I COLLECT HOT WHEEL CARS AND ALSO MATCHBOX AND HAVE COMPETITIONS

I ONLY SET FIRE TO THE MATCHBOX AND CORGI CARS

HOT WHEELS ARE OUT OF THIS WORLD

I DREAM OF VISITING THE MATTEL HOT WHEELS FACTORY IN A PLACE CALLED WELLINBOROUGH

QUITE A COLLECTION – MY MUM LETS ME ATTACH TRACK TO ALL THE FURNITURE

I HAVE HUGE BATTLES OF COWBOYS AND INDIANS IN ALL ROOMS AND IN THE GARDEN

MUM LETS ME SET FIRE TO THE FORT OCCASIONALLY FOR REALISM

SHE WOULDN‘T HAVE BEEN SO KEEN IF SHE KNEW HOW MUCH MOTOR MOWER FUEL I WAS USING

SOMETIMES SCORES OF ANTS CROSS THE TRACK AND I GET DISTRACTED

…ANOTHER VISIT TO THE SHED TO FETCH THE PETROL

I GO WITH MUM TO DROP KEVIN AND DAD OFF AT WATFORD V MAN UNITED

MY BROTHER AND I HAVE BUNK-BEDS.
BINDA GETS HER OWN ROOM

ON HOLIDAY I PINCH AND BUY SAUCY SEASIDE POSTCARDS AND MAKE A COLLECTION

STICK THEM ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF THE TOILET DOOR

VISITORS ARE ‘GONE UPSTAIRS’ FOR HOURS

I SMOKE MY DAD¹S CIGARS WHEN I COME HOME FROM SCHOOL

WE COOLBOYS ALL GO A-SMOKING BEHIND THE TENNIS CLUBHOUSE

THERE‘S NOT AS MUCH HOMOSEXUALITY AT THIS BOYSCHOOL AS YOU MIGHT THINK

PROBABLY MOSTLY IN MASTERS MINDS

ESPECIALLY BENDER JAY THE GYM TEACHER WHO IS TECHNICALLY MARRIED AND INTRODUCES HER AS HIS WIFE ON FOUNDER‘S DAY WHEN EVERYONE IS SO RESPECTFUL AND MUCH IS FORGIVEN – SUMMER AHEAD

MY MUM WORKS AS A SECRETARY NEAR THE HAIRDRESSERS

I MENTION THE HAIRDRESSERS AS IT HAS LOADS OF REALLY RUDIE MAGAZINES TO READ

RUDER THAN ANYTHING I HAVE EVER SEEN OR TOUCHED

OR NICKED

OR SWOPPED

OR HIDDEN COME CONFISCATION

…STEPHEN RICKARD GETS CAUGHT RED-HANDED WHEN MR.LUKE DECIDES ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

… I WAS TIPPED OFF AND SOLD OR HID ALL MINE
PROFIT FROM PANIC

THE TOY BOX SHOP WHERE THEY SELL HOT WHEEL CARS IS MY FAVOURITE SHOP

NEXT TO THAT RUDIE HAIRDRESSERS

MY HAIR SHOULD BE VERY VERY SHORT BY NOW

CHIP MEETS US AT THE HAIRDRESSER‘S, NOT TO HAVE HIS HAIR-CUT. BUT TO WATCH

MY MUM IS SAT THERE READING COSMOPOLITAN OR SOME GIRLIE MAGAZINE.

WE SLIP MAGAZINES INSIDE BORING MAGAZINES TO HIDE OUR EMBARRASSMENT

THE RUDIE CLUB HAS AS I SAID COME TO AN END

YES IT HAS

REALLY, I TELL YOU, IT HAS

THAT’‘S IT – NO MORE

I GO CYCLING DOWN THE ROAD FROM OUR ISLAND CIRCLE AND UP THE OTHER END TO THE OTHER WEIRD ONE WITH THE FUNNY BUSHES

A WORLD AWAY

ON THE VERY DAY A MAN LANDS ON THE MOON, ME HAVING WATCHED THE APPROACH BUT WANTING TO GET OUT THERE MYSELF

AN HISTORIC DAY
ALMOST AS GOOD AS OUR COFFEE MORNINGS WHEN EVERYONE LANDS IN OUR GARDEN
WHEN WE’VE NOTHING MUCH TO DO
...ME AND CHIP RING UP P.E. GLEW & SONS AND ASK ‘IS STICKY THERE, OR IS HE STILL AT THE GYM’ COLLAPSING IN LAUGHTER BEFORE WE CAN FULLY GET THE WORDS OUT

...MY BROTHER AND I COME OUT WITH A NEW SILLY SAYING

“SUZANNE BEWARE OF THE DEVIL – SHE‘LL PUT A SPELL ON YOU” BEING ONE

AND “FASTEN YOUR SEATBELTS IT’S GONNA BE A BUMPY RIDE” ANOTHER

AND “DOES YOUR MOTHER KNOW YOU‘VE GOT THEM”

MY DAD IS IRRITATED BY THEM ALL – THOUGH HE NEVER HEARD THE LAST ONE

WE HAVE A FULL-SIZED GOAL IN OUR BACKGARDEN – DAD‘S GREENHOUSE WILL HAVE TO WAIT

DAD PUTS UP THE GOALS HIMSELF

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE CALLED HIM A BASTARD FOR SMACKING ME

ALL MY SCHOOL MATES, STARVED OF FOOTBALL , COME ROUND TO PLAY IN IT

CHIP, HOLLIE-HAT AND BOG-RAT GIVE WAY TO GERALD SCOTT, IAN HACKNEY AND ANDREW HOLMES

I JOIN BERKHAMSTED DYNAMOES AND ARE REUNITED WITH ALL MY PRIMARY SCHOOL MATES

DAD SEES ME SCORE A RARE GOAL AND JUMPS FIFTY FEET IN THE SEMI-DARKNESS

ON THE SLOPING PITCH THAT IS LAGLEY MEADOW

(THIRD MAN ON THE MOON?)
(DID HE FALL OVER ON LANDING?)

CHIP AND MARK PRINGLE AND LOTS OF SEXY MATES PLAY FOR THIS SUPER SEXY OUTFIT IN YELLOW

WE ARE NO LONGER THE ‘MINI-MITES’

WHICH I THINK IS A BIT DURR-OGATORY FOR SUPER STUDS LIKE US

NICKY LONGMAN GETS HIS KNOB OUT AT THE CHANGERS AT FLAUNDEN TO SHOW US HIS GINGER PUBES

WE ARE ON THE VERGE OF SOMETHING BIG-GER, ALL OF US

THE RECORD SHOP PRP IS OWNED BY A RIGHT SQUARE IN A CRAVAT WHO KNOWS KNOB ALL ABOUT RECORDS AND IS THE SHOP IS TRULY CRAP BUT I SPEND LOADS OF TIME THERE LOOKING AT THE COVERS

I BUY RECORDS WHEN THEY ARE CHEAP AND OUT OF THE CHARTS

AND ASK PRPS FOR RECORDS I KNOW THEY HAVEN‘T GOT

I EVEN PINCH A FEW

INBETWEEN HELPING GRANNIES ACROSS THE ROAD

I HELP PINCH SOME MONEY ON A SCHOOL CROSS COUNTRY MATCH AT HIGHGATE

WHICH PROVES MY UNDOING

I GET CANED FOR TAKING PART

NEARLY FORGOT : I WENT ON MY FIRST SKI-TRIP IN 1975, AND MET BATH HIGH SCHOOL FOR GIRLS

AND PLAYED “SOUNDS OF SILENCE” NINETY TWO TIMES ON THE JUKE-BOX ON THE HOTEL LANDING BY THE SHOE-SHINE

TAKING BREAKS FROM THE DISCO FEVER IN THE CELLAR

AND THE SCHNAPPS SMUGGLED IN OUR JACKETS
SOUNDS OF SILENCE IS WORN OUT
I’M REALLY DRUNK
SMELL OF SLAUGHTER HOUSES
DAMP SNOW
SCHNAPPS

AUSTRIA IS INCREDIBLE

SKIING ABOVE THE CLOUDS

SLAUGHTER HOUSES WITH THEIR DOORS WIDE-OPEN DOWN IN THE GLOOM OF THE VILLAGE

I GET GLANDULAR FEVER AFTER THE FOLLOWING YEAR‘S SKI IN OBERPERFUSS

IT WAS THAT GOODBYE KISS WITH THAT SMALL GIRL WITH THE HUSKY THROAT AND COUGH
(WAS IT WORTH IT?)

ONE BOY BREAKS HIS LEG ON BOTH TRIPS

GLANDULAR FEVER GETS ME OFF SCHOOL FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS OF THE SPRING TERM
(PERHAPS IT WAS WORTH IT)

TO THINK : WE PUT TOOTHPASTE IN A DUREX AND PUT IT IN SWOTTY KEITH BALL‘S BED AND ALL WENT “UUUURRGH” TRYING TO MAKE HIM ASHAMED

… SHAME ON US

ANDREW ‘BUD’ ROSE BECOMES MY BEST FRIEND FROM SCHOOL

HE’S A SEXY BLOKE BUT A BIT OF A BASTARD WHEN HE WANTS TO BE

HANGS AROUND OUR HOUSE ALL THE TIME

I THINK MY MUM FANCIES HIM A BIT

HIS OWN MUM AND DAD WATER FLOWERS AND MOVE VERY SLOWLY AND DUST THINGS ALL THE TIME

OUR MUM PROBABLY GUESSES THEY ARE A BIT BORING AND DON‘T APPRECIATE BUD ROSE

AND ANYWAY, HE HAS JET BLACK HAIR, LIKE HER – COULD BE HERS?!

SUNDAYS ARE MAD FOOTBALL DAYS.
MY DAD RUNS THE ‘DACORUM FRIENDLY LEAGUE’ FOR BOYS BETWEEN 10 AND 16.
I PLAY. MY BROTHER PLAYS.
DAD SPENDS SATURDAYS AND SUNDAYS RELAXING – SORTING OUT FIXTURE CHAOS, AND ACCUSATIONS OF CHEATING.
FREQUENTLY TEAMS GET REPORTED FOR UNRULY PARENTS.
OCCASIONALLY THERE‘S A GOOD MATCH PLAYED.
DAD LOVES IT WHEN AN UNDERDOG WINS.
I LOVE IT WHEN HE SHOWS ME THE LATEST LEAGUE TABLES.
HOT OFF THE PRESS.
SOME TEAMS ARE TRULY TERRIBLE.
I’M PRETTY AWFUL, RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES, NOT KNOWING WHAT I’M DOING – PLAYING WITHIN A TEAM WHERE ALL THE OTHER BOYS REGULARLY PLAY WITH EACH OTHER. I’M A BIT OF A ONE-OFF.

(CHIP MEANWHILE IS AT THE TEARAWAYS SCHOOL) (SO IS MY BROTHER) (AND THE GIRLS)

THERE IS A GIRLSCHOOL COUNTERPART TO OURS BUT I DON‘T GET TO MEET ANY OF THEM

THEN I MEET ALISON DOGGETT AND FIONA EVANS

OR THE OTHER WAY ROUND

NOT STRICTLY GIRLSCHOOL, BUT FROM THE TRING ARTS STAGE SCHOOL

WE PLAY TWISTER AT FIONA‘S PARTY

THE CLASS OF 1974-CUM-1975 GO TO DISCOS AT SUNNYSIDE VILLAGE HALL

MY MUM AND DAD WERE MARRIED AT SUNNYSIDE CHURCH NEXT DOOR

MY ‘BIG’ GRAN STILL GOES TO SUNNYSIDE CHURCH

LITTLE GRAN IS A BIT BORING AND QUIET BUT WE STILL LIKE HER

DESPITE HAVING ONCE FILLED HER HAT WITH WATER AND JUMPED ON IT FROM THE TOP BUNK

TO SEE IF SHE WOULD EVEN NOTICE
I DAREN‘T SAY TO CHIP “I DON‘T LIKE THAT BOY” AS HE’S LIKELY TO GO AND BEAT HIM UP ON MY BEHALF
AND THESE ARE GREAT GREAT DISCOS
Part Three… A SLIDE-SHOW IN THE DARK ONE AFTERNOON AT 61 EGERTON RD

MY BROTHER AND I (AND CHIP) WOULD INVARIABLY BLACKEN OUT THE OLD DINING-ROOM, SOME ALMOST SUNNY AFTERNOON, AND GO THROUGH ALL THE OLD ‘SLIDES’ MY DAD HAD IN THE CUPBOARD. OF ALL US KIDS GROWING UP. I WAS SOON TO BE ADDING TO THIS COLLECTION WITH SLIDES OF MY OWN. now here’s a slide show, without the slides, CLOSE THE CURTAINS, START GIGGLING
I WIN THE SPACEHOPPER RACE ON SPORTS DAY
I TAKE A SCHOLARSHIP EXAM BUT DON¹T GET IT
WE WATCH PRINCE CHARLES GET INVESTITURED IN A WELSH CASTLE
I WATCH THE FIRST MAN LAND ON THE MOON
WE ARE THE FIRST TO GET A COLOUR TV
EACH FA CUP FINAL DAY DAD INVITES LOADS AROUND TO WATCH IT
DAD IS INVOLVED IN YOUTH FOOTBALL
I PLAY FOR BERKHAMSTED DYNAMOES YOUNGER TEAM THE DYNAMITES
LYNDA GETS KNOCKED OVER BY A CAR
WE GET SMUDGE, A CAT
WE HAVE COFFEE MORNINGS TO RAISE MONEY FOR CHARITIES
WE GET INKY CAT FROM OUR COUSIN¹S BARN BUT SMUDGE HATES HER
I BUY THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE DOWN WITH LYNDA
WE GO ON HOLIDAY TO SELSEY BILL
WE GO ON HOLIDAY THE ONE YEAR TO EXMOUTH WITH SUE POTTER
WHO I FANCY
NIKKI LAUDA IS BURNT IN A FORMULA ONE RACE
THE CIRCUS COMES TO TOWN BUT I CAN¹T GO BECAUSE OF SCHOOL CURFEW
SOD ‘CURFEW’ !!! WHO THE HELL INVENTED IT?!
LYNDA AND KEVIN AND MUM GO TO THE CIRCUS AND CINEMA AND I DO MY LATIN
DURING CURFEW HOURS
IN THE LAND OF THE FREE
I DO A PAPER ROUND AFTER SCHOOL ON WEDNESDAYS WHEN REALLY I SHOULDN‘T BE BECAUSE OF SCHOOL RULES ABOUT CHIMNEY-SWEEPING TYPE EMPLOYMENT WHEN AT A POSH SCHOOL (MINE)
(REMEMBER WHEN) EACH SUMMER WE HAD SOME LONDON CHILDREN COME AND STAY???
JOSEPH ARRIVES WITH A PRIEST AT THE STATION WITH NO CHANGE OF CLOTHES
IN 1970 THE GIRL WE HAVE GETS HOMESICK AND HER SISTER COLLECTS HER
AND THAT‘S THE END OF HAVING THEM
MUM TAKES ME TO SEE THE FORMULA 1 CARS ON THE FERRY ON THE THAMES
WE GO AND WATCH SHOW JUMPING AT OLYMPIA

BIG GRAN WORKS AT THE FACTORY WHERE SHE TELLS OTHERS WHAT TO DO IN SUCH A NICE WAY
I GO AND STAY AT TIMOTHY¹S AT PORTISHEAD FOR NEW YEAR 1970
I GO WITH THE SCHOOL ON SUMMER CAMP NEAR WILTON, WILTSHIRE
IN SMITH¹S AT WILTON I ASK TO LISTEN TO STARMAN BY DAVID BOWIE
MY BROTHER GIVES ME ROLL AWAY THE STONE BY MOTT THE HOOPLE PLUS WIZZARD FOR XMAS
I GO SKIING TO OBERPERFUSS WITH THE SCHOOL. A BOY BREAKS HIS LEG
I GO SKIING TO ZELL AM ZILLER WITH THE SCHOOL. SAME BOY BREAKS HIS LEG
FATHER XMAS COMES ROUND ON HIS FLOAT.
IT ALWAYS SNOWS AT XMAS
WE GO TOBOGGANING AT KITCHENER¹S FIELDS
I JOIN THE TENNIS CLUB AND THERE IS CLUB NIGHT ON FRIDAYS
FIONA EVANS AND HER FRIEND ALISON DOGGET INVITE ME TO A PARTY
blimey, what a slide-show
oh-oh

Part Three : THE TEENAGE FAN CLUB YEARS (THE 1970’s)...

I NEVER KNEW MY GRANDFATHERS

LYNDA GETS A BOYFRIEND MARK AND KEVIN HAS A FEW GIRLFRIENDS

I MEET ANGELA SEABROOKE THROUGH MARK SIMON

KEVIN MEETS ANGELA SEABROOKE THROUGH US AND IS SOON DOING HANDSTANDS IN HER LIVING-ROOM

INSTEAD OF US

GOOD LUCK TO HIM

ANGELA IS MASSIVE

SMALL PERT KAREN POPPEL FANCIES KEVIN

GETS HIM BEATEN UP IN THE CEMETERY BY GREG NICHOLSON¹S GANG TO WIN HIS HEART AND KISS BRUISED FACE BETTER

IS THIS LOVE?

KEVIN CLAIMS HE IS ALMOST RAPED AT KAREN POPPEL¹S HOUSE BY HER, HER FRIEND… AND HER MUM

UNDERAGE, HE WAS ALSO MADE TO DRIVE A CAR AROUND HER FIELD

I MEET NADINE BATEMAN, BIG LEGGY HELEN ROBERTS AND ALSO…ALISON READING…AT THE SWIMMING-POOL

I THINK THIS IS LOVE

KEVIN AND ME START OUR DISCO, THE OVERNIGHT ANGELS, WITH KIPPER

USING HIS MUM‘S VAUXHALL CHEVETTE HATCHBACK

OUR FIRST GIG IS AT TRING RUGBY CLUB – £6.50 AND £2 TIP

WE DO A GIG AT THE CRICKET CLUB BOOKED BY LESTER (LESLEY) RANCE WHAT A NAME

WE SOMETIMES GO SWIMMING AT THE OPEN-AIRED DEER LEAP SWIMMING-POOL

MY GRANDFATHER OPENED THE DEER LEAP

NOT THAT I EVER KNEW HIM, JUST HIS PICTURE ON THE WALL WITH A MEDALLION ROUND HIS NECK

I WAIT FOR THE GIRLS FROM BRIDGEWATER TO GO PAST OUR GARDEN SHED

WHICH I AM SAT UPON

I ALSO CHALK OUT MY FAVOURITE THREE GIRLS ON THE PAVEMENT AND WATCH THEM READ THE TOP THREE NOT KNOWING ITS ME
THEIR HEADS BENT ROUND
MINE BENT ROUND

LIKE ALFRED HITCHCOCK APPEARING CAMEO IN HIS OWN FILM – “BIRDS” BEING THE SCARIEST…(PISSED MY PYJAMAS NOT WANTING TO GO UPSTAIRS)

LITTLE GRAN DIES IN AN AYLESBURY HOME WHILST WE ARE AT THE SEASIDE

BRUNO THE FRENCH EXCHANGE KEEPS US AMUSED EMERGING FROM THE SEAWEED REPLETE WITH GOGGLES, SNORKEL AND DAGGER ‘TO STAB ANY SHARKS AHOY’

DAD ALONE GOES TO HIS MOTHER‘S FUNERAL

Part Four… end of the 1970’s and THE END of TEENAGE

I LEAVE BERKHAMSTED BOYSCHOOL WITH 13 O LEVELS INCLUDING LATIN AND GERMAN

AND A FEW A LEVELS – I’M PRETTY COY ABOUT MY INTELLIGENCE, BUT ALSO I A BIT EMBARRASSED AS MY DAD FORKED OUT LOADS ON MY PUBLIC SCHOOL EDUCATION WHILST MY BROTHER & SISTER WENT TO THE DUMP ON THE HILL AND REALLY IS THERE MUCH DIFFERENCE BETWEEN US SAVE FOR THEIR BEING THICK?

BY THE WAY, THE REASON WHY I DIDN‘T GET ALL ‘A’s WAS MY BEING DISTRACTED BY THE THOUGHT OF GIRLS OR A GIRLFRIEND. OR A SOLID AND DEPENDABLE ONE.

NADINE HAVING LEFT FOR PORTSMOUTH
NOT THAT SHE WAS DEPENDABLE

ROD GOT REALLY DISTRACTED. WALKING OUT ON THE SCHOOL PLAY LEAD PART AND ENDING UP WITH NADINE IN PORTSMOUTH.
I RUN ‘THE OVERNIGHT ANGELS’ DISCO WITH MY BROTHER , AND HIS FRIEND KIPPER, PLAYING SCHOOL FRIENDS PARTIES MOSTLY
AND AN OCCASIONAL GOLF CLUB DO
ME AND MY BROTHER ARGUING OVER WHICH RECORDS TO PLAY
CHRIS ‘THE KIPPER’ BALCHIN BLOWING THINGS UP ELECTRICALLY AND LAUGHING IN A NERVOUS, RESIGNED SORT OF WAY
WONDERING IF WE’LL STILL GET PAID
SALLY-ANNE BROWN NOT HELPING, PUTTING HER FINGER ON THE RECORD SUPPOSEDLY SPINNING ROUND
DEMANDING WE PLAY SANTANA “SHE’S NOT THERE”
SHE‘S GOT A PROBLEM THAT GIRL

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS : NO CURFEW!

I GO TO ART COLLEGE IN ST.ALBANS FOR A YEAR

(AND A FURTHER HALF – RETURNING THERE PART-TIME ON MY RETURN FROM THE U.S.A.)

I GET WELL INTO PHOTOGRAPHY

AND THE DISGUSTING SWEET SMELL OF THE DARKROOM

ALISON WYNDE MY AHSLYNS SCHOOL FLASHER FROM ACROSS THE VALLEY, TIRES OR IS JEALOUS OF MY GOING TO ART COLLEGE. THE FLASHING STOPS.

I’M SURROUNDED BY LOVELY PEOPLE AT ART SCHOOL AND ITS THE BEST IN THE COUNTRY (IT IS SAID)
THIS IS THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE SO FAR, I DECLARE, AND WHO KNOWS, IT COULD WELL BE

STEWART MANN TAKES ME UNDER HIS PHOTOGRAPHY WING ONCE RICHARD SEYMOUR ANNOUNCES THAT I AM TRULY ‘A PHOTOGRAPHER’ (HE PROBABLY WANTED RID OF ME AND MY RIDICULOUS DESIGNS FROM HIS GRAPHICS CLASS)

I ARRANGE GIRLS AND BOYS FOOTBALL MATCHES V WATFORD ART COLLEGE (WHERE MY BROTHER GOES PART-TIME) AND THEY ALL ARRIVE IN ABOUT TWO CARS AND THRASH US. ACTUALLY, OUR WOMENS TEAM WINS, KIM SMITH (SOON TO BE KIDS IN AMERICA WILDE) LANGUISHES AS A CHEER-LEADER AS I DON‘T PICK HER IN THE TEAM BECAUSE SHE SMOKES POT ALL THE TIME AND LOOKS SULKY.

I MUST SAY GOODBYE TO ALL THIS CROWD EARLY IN JUNE AS I GET PICKED TO GO TO SUMMER CAMP AMERICA

WHICH TAKES ME ACROSS THE WORLD
WHERE I LOB THE HORRIBLE CAMP DIRECTOR FROM THE HALF-WAY LINE, ON THE LAST DAY OF THE CAMP, IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CAMP, WHO WATCH HIS WIG FALL OFF AS HE STUMBLES BACKWARDS TRYING TO PROTECT HIS GOAL. ENGLAND 2 USA O.
I HAVE GROWN UP A BIT. SURELY?

Part Five
Is too recent to recall. I almost married the vicar’s step-daughter. I almost married a chocolate-brown clever clogs with the pookiest of faces from Washington England. I did marry THE WICKED WITCH OF THE SOUTH‘S BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER. Then reversed out of that parking lot. And refocussed. I have a lot of learning to do. The Football thing has almost consumed me.